


Change

by CupNoodles55



Category: Rugrats & All Grown Up! (Cartoons)
Genre: But like nothing "HAPPENS", Chuckie's about to graduate, Cuz that's the good stuff, I don't know why I wrote this, I'm posting it anyway, M/M, Pining, They've Grown, Very light homophobia, Yeah it's pretty gay, very light angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-15 20:55:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29689824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CupNoodles55/pseuds/CupNoodles55
Summary: It was time. He had officially decided. No getting around it. It would have to go …
Relationships: Chuckie Finster/Tommy Pickles
Comments: 3
Kudos: 5





	Change

**Author's Note:**

> Why? ... I don’t know. There’s no real reason. Or maybe there is. You’re here reading this, so you might know. Let me know if you do, cuz I’m lost out here in my usual TMNT and Free! fandoms, for some reason, pausing to pop out a Rugrats piece? Okay. Well … I mean, I hope you enjoy it anyway.

It was time. He had officially decided. No getting around it. It would have to go.

He combed his fingers through the long strands of wavy ginger hair over his face, shaking it out every now and then, peering at his reflection in the full-body mirror. It was familiar. It was wild. It was … boring. Boring and familiar weren’t attractive. And he was just going to ignore how laughably embarrassing it was to assume he could even be attractive. Instead, just pretend, just for a moment, that maybe a different style, a shorter length, might look … better. Maybe it would catch someone’s eye — preferably the right eyes. And if it didn’t, maybe it would at least give him a boost of confidence. If he _felt_ attractive — or could at all conceive of the idea that that was possible — maybe he’d be a bit bolder, find some extra courage stashed in his pockets somewhere deep … deep down. Maybe? No?

“What are you doing!”

“Jesus!” he yelped, jumping nearly a foot in the air as his step-sister burst through the door. She erupted with laughter at his reaction, and it was nothing new. He exhaled and sat his palm on his chest to keep his heart inside. “Kimi …”

“When are you going to stop reacting like that?” she said, leaning against the wall with a teasing smirk and her arms crossed over her chest. 

“When are you going to knock?” he mumbled, returning to his hair. 

“I am very determined to catch you in the middle of something naughty one day.”

“You know, after living with you for nearly sixteen years, I have most definitely caught onto that and adjusted myself accordingly. Also, you’re running out of time.”

“I know,” she sighed, dropping her head against the wall. Her smile became soft as she watched him analyze his own reflection. “So wutcha doin’?”

He sighed and let his hands drop to his sides as his shoulders fell. “I’m getting my hair chopped off,” he declared. And no, saying it out loud did not convince him that that kind of change would have the effect he was looking for, but he _was_ less unsure about the final decision.

Kimi laughed again. He slid his eyes to the side, watching her eyes glitter with amusement as he waited for her to stop. It took a while, and she was joyously wiping the tears from her cheeks by the end of it.

“Ahh,” she sighed over another giggle. “That’s funny.”

“I’m serious.”

“Chuckie.”

“No, I’m serious,” he insisted.

She dropped her smile and looked him dead in the eye. When all he did was very severely stare right back, her eyes widened.

“Oh my god, why? _How?_ Chuckie …”

He shook his head at her pleading whine, eyes turning back to his reflection. “Nope. I’ve already decided. It’s going. Time for something new.”

Kimi pushed away from the wall and moved to stand behind him, looking at his reflection as well as she draped her arms over his shoulders and leaned against his back. “Are you going through a crisis? Is this what happens when I get my college acceptance letter before you?”

He rolled his eyes, because they certainly didn’t need to talk about that. “I just think it’s time for a change. That’s all. I mean, my hair’s been like this forever. Who can even see my face anymore?”

Kimi poked out a pouting lip and raked her fingers through his hair, combing it away from his face. “I can. If you cut it, how am I supposed to practice my braids?”

“Grow out your own hair.”

“But I like my pixie cut.”

“I do too. And I’m saying, what if I like my hair like that?”

She scrunched up her nose. “In a pixie cut?”

“No, just … shorter, _cooler_ , more … with the times,” he shrugged. “I don’t know.”

She snorted another laugh, and that was most definitely her you’re-lame-but-it’s-cute laugh. “Chuckie. Who are you trying to impress?”

Betrayed, by his own freckled cheeks no less, because they most definitely flared up on the spot, and Kimi did not miss it. He watched her jaw drop in the mirror, and the twinkle of excitement in her eyes was near blinding. He was already cringing with panic.

“Oh my god,” she said. “You have a crush on someone! No, wait. You’re in _looove_.”

“No shh-” He ducked away from her and snapped the door shut, because he had not forgotten their home’s perfect talent for carrying sound, and their parents were most definitely just down the hall having their own conversation.

He pressed his back to the door and looked at his sister very intentionally but she was already smiling like a maniac. “Stop,” he warned, like he had any choice in the matter at this point.

“Ooooh, my Chuckster’s all grown up! Who is it? Tell me who it is!”

“Would you shhh,” he hissed, stuffing his face in his hands. His cheeks were on fire, heart all kinds of aflutter. This was a nightmare. “I’m not in love. I don’t have a crush,” he said into his palms at a frail attempt to brush it off. Like Kimi was that easy.

“Chuckieeee!” she squealed, bouncing up and down as she grabbed at his wrists and tried to pull them from his face.

“Stop,” he hissed again. “Kimi, please. I’m not …”

“Your face is like a tomato!”

He groaned a panicked whine and peeked at her insistent eyes between his fingers. She stretched another cunning smile and he sighed heavily, rolling his eyes as he dropped his arms once again back by his sides and slouched over to plop on the edge of his bed. She gasped and followed, jumping onto the bed next to him, because she knew he knew he was cornered.

Had he planned for her to find out like this? No. Honestly, he’d never planned for her to find out at all. Never planned for anyone to find out. Never planned to say a thing about it, until maybe a week ago, because he’d realized life was about to drastically change, once he was off to college, and what was he going to do with the sickening knot of yearning that he hadn’t been able to get rid of for the past several, _several_ years? Throw it in the trash? Well, if it was that easy, he would have kicked it to the curb ages ago.

He moaned and pulled his glasses off of his face. He didn’t want to see her expression when he admitted this. Too bad her anticipation was so tangible. Her fingers were practically squeezing the life out of his thigh.

“Listen,” he started. “You can’t tell anyone about this. You understand?”

She gave him a single vigorous head nod, smile bright as a crescent moon. “You have my word.”

“That includes Suzie,” he insisted, raising an intuitive eyebrow.

There was an obvious pause of hesitation as her eyes bounced away and then came right back. She nodded again. “You have my word.”

He let out another long sigh and mourned the loss of suffering in solitude. At least when he was the only one who knew, it was marginally less embarrassing.

“I …” His cheeks burned and the blush seeped down to the back of his neck. He fidgeted, fingers twisting around the earpieces of his glasses. “Well I … Ikindahaveacrushontommy.”

Kimi cocked her head. “Come again?”

He pressed his lips to unsuccessfully hold back a moan and heaved one last breath. He squeezed his eyes shut. “I have a … I’m … T-Tommy.” His body clenched as though a bucket of ice water had just been dumped over his head. “I am stupidly and hopelessly in love with Tommy. And I already know that it’s dumb, so please don’t laugh,” he added quickly.

She didn’t, and there was no response either, just silence. It took a really long time of just sitting there clammed up, ready to take a hit, before he realized there wasn’t one coming and finally allowed his shoulders to relax. He peeked one eye open and looked at her blurry silhouette, then decided he was much too anxious and she was much too docile. He slipped his glasses back on and actually looked at her.

At first, she just stared back at him for a very long time, and it wasn’t awkward, but it was certainly uncomfortable, if only because he couldn’t tell what she was thinking — but he didn’t feel as stupid as he thought he might, so that was a plus. After several silent heartbeats, a very tender, very warm smile lifted her cheeks and his heart skipped an odd beat, because he’d never seen her look so genuinely affectionate. Even _her_ cheeks were blushing, but softly, in an oddly cozy kind of way.

“Chuck,” she said, shoulders dropping, head tilting, smile stretching even more. She lifted a hand to squeeze his arm. “That’s not dumb at all.”

A dam burst somewhere in his stomach and he exhaled a sudden breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. His eyes narrowed. “It’s not?”

She chuckled. “No, of course not. And of course you’re in love with Tommy. Oh my god, I can’t believe I never thought of that,” she said, eyes widening again as she looked away, her gaze peering back into the past as though she was looking back at all the signs, and surely there were plenty of them, because he wasn’t smooth by any means.

He exhaled again. “Kimi, you can’t tell anybody.”

She looked back at him, hand sliding off of his elbow. “I mean, I won’t, but why not? Aren’t you going to tell him?”

He grimaced, stomach already turning. “God,” he groaned, holding a hand to his gut. “Do I have to?”

She scoffed, and punched him in the leg. “ _Yes!_ ”

“Ow.”

“ _Chuckie_ , how long have you been holding onto this?”

“Mmm, just a few … years.”

“ _Years?!_ ”

“Six. Probably like six years.”

“Oh my god.”

“It’s …” He scoffed a nervous laugh and waved a dismissive hand. “It’s fine. It’s been fine. It was only excruciating for like the first three and a half. You kind of grow numb to it after a while. Or well, you try to, and it doesn’t really work, but it’s not as excruciating after it just becomes a thing that you have to live with … like a terminal disease.”

“Chuckie, why the hell haven’t you said anything to anybody?”

“Are you insane?” he exclaimed looking at her with wide eyes. “Who was I supposed to tell?”

She threw her arms out and gestured to herself. “Um hello. You could have told me this ages ago!”

“Sorry, you’re right. I think I was too busy being ashamed of my very cramped closet space.”

“Tch. Chuckie, you know Mom and Dad wouldn’t treat you any differently. None of us would — _least_ of all Tommy.”

It was Chuckie’s turn to laugh this time, except it came out harsh and sarcastic. “That’s funny.”

She pursed her lips at him. “Why? Tommy is your best friend. You really think you being in love with him would mess with that?”

“Of course that’s what I think. And that’s _exactly_ why I haven’t said anything. Tommy is as straight as cardboard. What else is supposed to come out of me confessing my feelings for him other than an awkward ‘Okay’? And that’s at it’s best. Let’s not get into the list of tragic rejection scenarios I’ve been having nightmares about since middle school. Tommy and I have been nothing but friends since the beginning of all time. Why would I even hope that that might change in my favor instead of gloriously backfiring in my face? I _like_ being his best friend. I like that he’s _my_ best friend. There’s no way on earth I’d ever risk that just because my ‘feelings’ are a little stronger than best-friend level. I can live with that. What I _can’t_ live with is losing him.”

Kimi pouted sympathetically, in that way that clearly stated that she understood but also she really wanted to disagree. “But who says you would lose him? I’m pretty sure your relationship, even on best-friend level, is far from one-sided. Tommy doesn’t have to not be straight. He just has to love you back. Which, is not all that far-fetched, to be honest. And by the way, cardboard can be little flexible, I’m just sayin’.”

He scoffed. “Thank you, Kimi, but let’s not get my hopes up about it, okay?”

Her lips poked out even more, this time defiantly. She propped her fists on her hips. “Well, why have you decided to get a haircut to impress him if you don’t have any hope about it?”

His cheeks flared up again and he went back to nervously fidgeting. “I … I’m not trying to _impress_ him. I just …” He sighed and dropped his head back with his eyes closed. “I don’t really know,” he admitted. “I just- I realized that I don’t have that much time left in high school. I just turned eighteen. College is right around the corner, and I’m not even going to be in the same town. Tommy’s a whole year behind me. We’ve never really been apart, and I don’t want to be.”

“Didn’t he say he wanted to go to the same school?”

“Yes, but there’s so much room for literally everything to change before he gets there. I don’t doubt that we’ll always be friends, no matter what, it’s just … What if he f-finds someone else and I never even know if he _could_ have thought of me that way?”

"You’re afraid of being replaced?”

He pinched his lips and dropped his head forward just to turn it away. “I’m nothing special,” he mumbled. “It would be really easy, I’m sure. Tommy knows everything there is to know about me, and he’s an adventurous guy. He likes new things, challenges, surprises. I’m … completely boring and familiar, and that’s all he ever sees when he looks at me. It was really a dumb thought. I just wondered, if I changed something just a little bit …” He shrugged and looked down at his palms. “I dunno. Would he notice and find it … um, attractive?”

Kimi sighed and scooted close to snake her arms around his and rest her head on his shoulder. “You could never be replaced, Chuckie. And Tommy knows better than anyone how special you are. I guarantee he’s noticed that already. Whether or not it’s attractive to him, I can’t say, but what I do know is that you can’t stuff feelings like that down forever. The more you hold it back, the stronger it’s going to grow, and the more strain it’s going to put on you guys, especially with the pressure of time and distance between you.”

She kissed the top of his arm and gave him a smile. “Get a haircut if you must, Chuckster. Just know that that’s not all that’s going to need to happen if you want something to change. And trust me, you want something to change. _I_ want something to change for you. You deserve to be happy and free. Not saying anything to him is just going to suffocate you.”

“Kimi! Chuckie! We’re going out for dinner, be ready in ten!”

Kimi stood at the call of her mother’s voice and patted him on the shoulder. “Don’t graduate with any regrets, big brother,” she said, tossing him one last smile, before she winked and left the room.

Chuckie pulled in a very long breath and sighed.

* * *

“What did you do?”

It had taken Tommy a second to look up from his phone, after Chuckie had answered the door, and when he did, the look of surprise was immediate and more of a reaction than Chuckie had been expecting. Now he was just staring, and Chuckie really couldn’t decipher the look in Tommy’s eyes. He wanted to say it was some kind of fascination, but that was probably stretching it too far. He wouldn’t dare.

His hand was already anxiously rubbing at the back of his head, and he still got chills, touching the back of his hair and realizing it was all gone. Okay, well not _all_ of it. But compared to what he was used to, it was a huge difference. Most of what he had left was neatly confined to the top of his head and the rest had been tapered down on the back and the sides, not faded, just very _very_ short. It didn’t necessarily look bad. Or at least, he _hoped_ it didn’t necessarily look bad. He had blanched like a ghost once the barber was done with him and he’d gotten a good look in the mirror. Also, his father had nearly jumped out of his suspenders with a very loud scream, wielding a kitchen knife on him when he got home, because Chuckie hadn’t exactly told him he’d be getting a haircut, and it definitely was the farthest thing from Chuckie-looking that anything could get.

“I got it cut,” he said with a shrug, and though he tried to be nonchalant about it, his voice definitely came out embarrassingly uneven.

Tommy cocked an eyebrow. “Yeah, I can see that. Why?”

He shrugged again, eyes darting away. “I dunno. I just … wanted to do something different.”

Tommy stared. He stared for a good long while, and Chuckie almost wished he wouldn’t, because blushing was not a thing he could control.

“Huh,” said his best friend, after that while was over. He cracked a smile, and Chuckie just about died. “It looks good.”

“R-Really?”

Tommy shrugged. “Yeah. Anyway, you ready to go?”

“O-Oh right, yeah. Let me get my wallet.”

“Kay.”

Tommy took a step inside and Chuckie left him in the foyer, speaking a friendly, “Hey, Uncle Chas,” to his dad, while he climbed the stairs. He grabbed his wallet from his nightstand, paused briefly in the mirror to shock himself with his own reflection one more time, and patted his cheeks to psych himself up before he turned away and headed back downstairs.

“I’ll be back,” he called to the kitchen.

“Okay, have fun. Oh, Chuckie?” His dad poked his head around the corner and gave him a nervous look. “You’re not planning to get a tattoo or anything like that, right?”

Tommy laughed and it sent an irritatingly pleasant chill down his spine. He sighed. “No, Dad.”

His father shrugged. “Okay, just wondering if I needed to be prepared for anymore surprises.”

Chuckie rolled his eyes to himself as he shrugged on his jacket. “You can just tell me you hate it, you know.”

“I don’t!”

Tommy was still chuckling. He turned his voice toward the ceiling, once Chuckie was officially ready and beginning to head for the door. “You sure you’re not coming, Kimi?!”

Kimi appeared in no time, head poking around the wall halfway up the staircase, like she’d been waiting for her moment to cheese at them with the most conspicuous smile Chuckie had ever seen in his life. Chuckie had always admired how underratedly smart Tommy was, but right now, he hoped that his best friend would lean a little more toward dense, because his sister was being extremely obvious.

“Yep,” she sang. “Got a big project to finish up. You guys go on ahead.” She looked Chuckie dead in the eye when she added, “Feel free to have _way_ too much fun.”

Then she fucking winked, and Chuckie was done. “Okay,” he said loudly, turning away and grabbing his best friend by the back of his jacket. “Thanks.”

“Let me know when you think you’ll be home,” his dad called to his back as they walked out the front door.

He waved a hand over his head and didn’t stop blushing until they were buckled in Tommy’s car and officially on their way to the theater.

“Man,” Tommy sighed, after a quiet moment of Chuckie staring very intentionally out the window. “When’s the last time we were by ourselves?”

Chuckie scratched at his temple, cheek leaning into his palm while his elbow sat propped on the passenger door. “Last summer, when we were in Texas for your mom’s birthday. Everyone got food poisoning from that barbecue place, and you and I spent the next two days on the river walk in San Antonio.”

Tommy laughed. “Oh my god, you’re right! I remember that. We were the only one’s who didn’t eat the potato salad.”

Chuckie nodded, smiling to himself a bit. Most everyone had been miserable on that trip, but that was one of his favorite memories to revisit. “You hate potato salad.”

Tommy chuckled. “And you’re allergic to mustard. Wow, we really dodged a bullet on that one. Good job.” He gave Chuckie’s chest a friendly pat. “That was a fun trip.”

“Mm,” Chuckie hummed, rubbing at the tingle in his chest. His body reacting to Tommy’s random touches was normal, but that didn’t mean he’d ever really gotten used to it.

“Jesus, that was a long time ago though. You sure it’s been that long?” He raised an eyebrow across the car and Chuckie nodded.

“There’s usually always at least _someone_ else hanging out with us.”

It was true. With their group of family friends as tight-knit as they were, it was really hard to ever be exclusively alone with Tommy. Not that he’d really survive that anyway. But even when they slept over at each other’s houses, their siblings were usually around. And if they weren’t, then probably Phil was. It had been a very long time since they’d spent time by themselves, and Chuckie was just trying not to let that overwhelm him with anxiety.

“Huh,” Tommy huffed, tone thoughtful. There was a brief moment of silence before he very flippantly added, “We should do this more often.”

Chuckie struggled not to make his shivers too obvious. He didn’t respond, but it didn’t seem as though Tommy expected him to anyway. They stopped at a red light and it took a moment before Chuckie felt those blue eyes on him, and when he looked over, Tommy was very blatantly staring, and that didn’t help at all. His insides squirmed.

“What?” he asked nervously.

Tommy smiled and shook his head. “Nothing.” He turned back to the road and moved on the green light. “I really like your haircut.”

Chuckie dared to squint his eyes at him. It wasn’t unlike Tommy to be so casually bolstering, but Chuckie was always wary that he just did that to make him feel better. He wasn’t exactly inclined to believe him. Tommy was the only person who ever insisted he was any kind of cool.

“You do?”

He chuckled. “Yeah. Is that so hard to believe?”

“I mean … I’ve never worn it like this before.”

“Yeah.” Tommy nodded. “And it looks good. It’s really different. I can’t remember the last time I could actually see your whole face.”

Chuckie groaned and automatically rubbed at his cheeks as though subconsciously trying to wipe his face away. Tommy just laughed even more.

“Stop,” he chuckled, pulling Chuckie’s hand down by his wrist. “You’re so self-conscious. I swear, you look fine.”

“Fine,” he gruffed, though he was blushing really really hard right now.

“Have you ever thought about getting contacts?”

“Contacts?”

Tommy shrugged. “Yeah. I mean, you look fine with glasses, but I just noticed that your eyes do that thing.”

“What thing?”

“That thing where they can’t pick a color. They’re like hazel, but also blue, but also green.”

Chuckie groaned again. “Ugh. Dil called me a chameleon.”

Tommy laughed. “That’s a compliment!”

“Not the way he said it.”

Tommy’s smile was something else. It had always been something else. “Trust me, coming from Dil, that was most definitely a compliment.”

Chuckie’s lips finally turned up into an actual smile and he leaned his chin on his hand again, watching LA traffic pass alongside them. Tommy launched into a story about Dil swearing up and down that their house was suddenly haunted, as he had apparently watched his bedroom door open and close on its own last night, but Tommy was very certain that Dil had spooked himself out, binge watching the whole first season of _American Horror Story_ and just _wanted_ the house to be haunted.

Chuckie listened and laughed whenever appropriate, because it was funny. Dil stories were always funny, albeit occasionally disconcerting, but all in a light manner of speaking. Also, Tommy was a fantastic story-teller, and if Chuckie was given the option to sit and listen to him talk all day, he’d take that up in a heartbeat. Tommy was such an effortless person to be with. Calm, cool, and collected at all times, but also very charming with a great sense of humor.

Going on adventures with him, especially when they were younger, could be entirely exasperating, and Chuckie had had more than his share of being stretched paper thin, but Tommy’s natural affinity for leadership, the way that he so courageously took charge and always insisted on doing the right thing, no matter what, helped to balance out a lot of the moments when Chuckie just wanted to pull his hair out. Tommy was the only reason he ever went along with anything, because he knew with his best friend around, everything would be alright, and it always was. It _always_ was. And quiet, warm little unexciting moments like this were no different. In fact, they were his favorite. 

And for a while, he allowed himself to get lost in the pretend of being Tommy’s only interest. It was easy, because Tommy was one of those people that made every person he talked to feel important, and right now Chuckie was happy to have that all to himself. They were just two friends going to see a movie together and that was nothing abnormal, but he’d never really outgrown imagination, if only because Tommy had always had more than enough for both of them.

They walked to the doors of the theater in step with each other and stood side-by-side as they waited in line to buy tickets, and they were close enough to one another that Chuckie could feel the warmth of Tommy’s body heat even through the sleeve of his jacket, and he toyed with the idea of reaching out to hold his hand. Just in his head though, of course. He didn’t actually do it. But he wondered, if he did, what kind of reaction he would get. Worst case scenario, Tommy would freak out and run away in disgust, but also, that wasn’t Tommy’s personality. In real life, he’d probably just give Chuckie an odd look, laugh, and play along, and Chuckie would be fine with that as long as he could just keep pretending.

He glanced over at his best friend, because he realized he’d gone suddenly quiet, and found himself looking at the back of Tommy’s head, because he was staring over at the other ticket line. Chuckie leaned forward a bit to get a look at Tommy’s face. He was grinning, his eyes attracted to something very pleasing apparently, and when Chuckie followed his gaze to the girl standing parallel to them just a few yards away, his stomach immediately turned sour. He couldn’t help the frown, didn’t really try to either, because the girl was looking right back at Tommy, and she was clearly just as interested.

Chuckie’s eyes darted between them, a not-at-all-foreign heat bubbling up from his gut. The girl was pretty, with long brown hair, immaculate skin, and comely blue eyes. She was dainty and petite, probably small enough to fit perfectly in Tommy’s arms and make him feel protective and responsible, which was necessary for him. She casually tossed her hair back over her shoulder and gave Tommy a cunning smile, and Chuckie could tell she knew what she was doing. Smart. Something Tommy also needed. Ditsy school girls weren’t his thing. He liked challenges.

Tommy folded his hands back behind his head, and Chuckie knew that was a flex. The girl giggled, and they just kept smiling at each other. Chuckie rolled his eyes and walked up to the counter, because the line in front of them was gone now.

Well, the pretend was nice while it lasted, but of course other people were always an issue. _Girls_ were always an issue. Chuckie couldn’t really blame them. He knew exactly why they smiled and stared back at Tommy like that, but boy did he suddenly turn invisible when one of them caught Tommy’s eye. And really, why wouldn’t he? Girls were soft and charming and really good at just being beautiful. Chuckie never really cared to stare at them and flex like that, but he could acknowledge that girls had a certain allure that he himself simply did not. His hair was awkwardly red, skin covered in freckles, clearly a nerd and a half in every respect, and his aesthetic did enough to exude that for him. He wasn’t small and dainty, in fact, he had several inches over Tommy, and therefore, could never fit so perfectly in his responsible and protective arms. And also, Chuckie may have been smart in his own respect, but he was a dead push-over. Not to mention quite the undefeated coward and an anxious mess, literally all the time. Most assuredly, that was not Tommy’s thing. And, oh yeah, above all else, and most important not to forget, Chuckie was not a girl.

He paid for their movie tickets, a large popcorn, Tommy’s favorite candy bar, and two drinks. Tommy and the girl were still making eyes at each other by the time he turned around, and he tried not to puff up with envy. Instead, he placed the popcorn and candy into Tommy’s hands.

“You done?”

Tommy blinked, finally looking up at him. “Huh?”

Not rolling his eyes again was almost physically impossible, but somehow he managed just a blank stare instead, and then turned away toward the soda machine without saying anything else. Tommy hurried after him.

“Did we get the tickets already?”

“Yep,” Chuckie sighed, placing one of the cups in the machine and filling it with Tommy’s favorite soda. “Did you want to invite that girl to join us?” he mumbled. It only sounded a little sarcastic.

Tommy chuckled and glanced once over his shoulder. “Nah, she’s out of my league.” He took his drink as Chuckie handed it over, then turned to the counter to put a lid on it and rip the wrapping off a straw.

Chuckie scoffed a quiet laugh to himself, because most assuredly Tommy had just gotten that backward. Also, dammit. They were out of lemonade. He scratched at the back of head and tried not to immediately become anxious. He hated these futuristic free-style machines. There were too many options. He was a get-the-same-boring-childish-thing-every-time kind of guy. He didn’t want not-lemonade and having to suddenly come up with a plan B was unnecessarily nerve-wracking. He didn’t like taking up space like that. He usually opted for getting out of the way as quickly as possible. Was the only other option really just soda? Carbonated drinks made him nauseous, he usually avoided them. What the heck was Fuze Iced Tea? 

“Jesus, Ginger, just drink a goddamn Coke. You’re holding up the line.”

Chuckie flinched, and shot a glance over his shoulder, cheeks already burning red again. He hadn’t realized he’d been standing there that long already. There was only one other guy behind him, but he was one other guy that was clearly miffed and not partial to waiting. Chuckie quickly looked away and picked the first random thing his finger touched. He held the button down to fill up his cup with his shoulders tensed, automatically shrinking as though he could somehow hide from this guy if he made himself small enough.

There was a light _thunk_ behind him and the sound of something spilling to the floor, right before Tommy made a really sarcastic noise.

“Oh no,” he whined. “What a greasy mess.”

Chuckie turned back to find the guy now standing in a heap of his own popcorn with a nearly empty bucket in his hands. He was giving Tommy a death glare, but Mr. Pickles just smiled and plucked one of the remaining popcorn kernels from the guy’s bucket and popped it in his mouth.

“Looks like you’ll have to get a refill.”

He flashed his teeth innocently as he chewed. But his eyes were far from kind. The guy just scowled and turned away.

“Fags,” he scoffed, just loud enough for them to hear as he walked off.

That stung, intensely more than Chuckie wanted it to sting, but he couldn’t allow himself to react to it, lest he be willing to admit that the guy wasn’t wrong. He glanced to his left. Tommy’s smile was gone, and he was fuming, blue eyes staring at the guy’s back like a wildcat ready to pounce.

“Tommy,” Chuckie called quickly, tugging on his sleeve just enough to snap him out of it. 

Tommy blinked and looked back at him. Chuckie raised an eyebrow, gesturing silently to the spilled popcorn, not afraid to be a bit chastising about it, even if the guy was a jerk.

“What?” Tommy huffed. “I don’t have time for asswipes. He doesn’t know you.” He took Chuckie’s cup from him and shuffled him out of the way to dump the random drink in the trough. He sat the cup back on the grate and filled it up with a combination of sweet tea and raspberry punch.

“Here, you’ll like it,” he said, shoving the cup in Chuckie’s hand as he walked off.

Chuckie let him stomp away without him and took his time fitting his drink with a lid and sticking in a straw. He took a sip. It was delightful.

* * *

The movie was less delightful, but that was okay. He and Tommy were fans of horribly rated flicks. They were fun to laugh at, and Tommy got a lot of inspiration from them. They forgot all about the crabby soda guy — and the pretty girl, but Chuckie could only speak for himself on that end.

He found himself pretending again, and it was fun, because Tommy was fun, and it wasn’t one of those awkward experiences where there was tension between them because they were unsure whether or not it was okay to hold hands. They didn’t, but that was normal. Tommy did pat his arm and whisper in his ear a lot, but that was also normal. It just also happened to send tingles down the back of Chuckie’s neck. He was okay with that though. He liked it. He always had, and sometimes he wondered if he was some kind of masochist, insisting on putting himself through this kind of thing — always pretending — when he knew it wasn’t something he could actually have.

Oh well. He’d said it to Kimi, and it stood true even now. Spending a lifetime pretending to be or not to be whatever it was Tommy wanted would always and forever trump not having this boy in his life altogether.

“Yikes. What a train wreck,” Tommy sighed, stuffing his hands behind his head as they walked out into the night toward the car. He said it, but there was a very satisfied smile on his lips.

Chuckie pushed his glasses up his nose with a chuckle. “I think Phil and Lil would have enjoyed that one.”

“Without question. We’ll have to come back with them. I’ll take notes next time.”

He hoped up on the hood of his car instead of rounding the vehicle to sit inside, and Chuckie didn’t question it. He sat next to him and crossed his ankles, hands stuffed into his jacket pockets.

Tommy liked to loiter sometimes. Chuckie wasn’t usually bothered by that unless it was against someone’s rules, but lounging on the car in the theater parking lot was a regular. Tommy just needed time to process whatever movie they’d just seen before he could move on to other things, and his friends indulged him. It was a comfortable night this time, and Chuckie wasn’t particularly eager to go anywhere.

“They should have made the protagonist a woman. It would have been kickass. Solves all their problems.”

“And change the love interest to a suave waiter instead?”

“Nah, keep the love interest the same. That’d make it even more interesting. Who says a boss bitch lady can’t have a dainty waitress as a lover on the side?”

Chuckie huffed half a breath that was meant to be a chuckle, but it never made it there. His fingers suddenly started to go cold.

“Oh, and nix the random creeper with the bowl cut. That guy was useless.”

“Yeah …”

Tommy went quiet again, and when Chuckie looked up, he saw the girl from before walking out of the theater with a chatty friend neither of them had noticed the first time. Tommy was back to staring, and this time his gaze was a bit more mollified since the girl wasn’t staring back. Chuckie’s stomach had half a mind to simmer with jealousy again, but the more he analyzed his friend’s expression, the more he realized there was something underneath it that was not quite Tommy. He looked … sad? Or disappointed maybe? Like he was looking at something he knew he couldn’t have? And while Chuckie wouldn’t voluntarily endorse willy-nilly relationships between his best friend and random strangers, the look on Tommy’s face made him strangely uneasy.

He glanced up at the girl, then back at Tommy, up at the girl, then back at Tommy, and finally sighed, dropping his gaze to his hands that he now wrung together in his lap.

“Why don’t you run over and ask her out?” he mumbled, and he hoped his tone was as supportive-best-friend sounding as he was trying to make it.

Tommy blinked at him and his smile this time was rather desolate. “Nah,” he said quietly, leaning back on his palms. He looked back over at the girl and watched her and her friend pause to sit down on a bench, probably waiting for a ride to pick them up.

Chuckie bit at the inside of his lip. “It’s not true, you know.” They met each other’s gazes, and Chuckie practically hurt himself trying not to blush too hard. He was glad the sun had gone down. “I don’t think there’ll ever be anyone who’s out of your league. If anything, you’re out of theirs.”

It was hard to swallow, but he forced himself not to retract the words purely out of embarrassment. That was such a cheesy thing to say. The only saving grace he had was that Tommy already knew he was lame like that, so he just smiled.

“Thanks.” He swung his gaze back out to the distance, still watching people file out of the doors. “I don’t know if it’s really about that though,” he said quietly.

“Then what’s it about?”

Tommy didn’t respond immediately. He went stiff instead, and Chuckie caught a glimpse of that same wild look in his eyes, like he was just waiting for the opportune moment to bite a head off (really, it was scary how many Angelica-like traits Chuckie found in Tommy sometimes).

He followed his gaze once more to find the crabby soda guy walking out into the night this time. They were both silent, watching him, staring him down with a surprisingly personal hatred, both of them thinking about the echoes of his last insult all the way up until he disappeared in the parking lot amongst the other cars.

Chuckie heard Tommy let out a heated breath beside him. He understood the ire in it, and he was flattered. Maybe his long lanky body couldn’t fit perfectly in Tommy’s arms, but that had never stopped Tommy from being protective of him. And it did make Chuckie feel important, because then there was always at least one person with him who cared about his feelings, who cared about his integrity and his honor and his ability to stand up tall. He just wished it wasn’t so easy and natural to cower and shrink away. He wished he could be brave, like Tommy. He wished he wasn’t afraid to slap the popcorn out of someone’s hands when they were rude to him. I mean, maybe that was a little bit excessive, but it’d had the right effect. Sure, they’d been deemed “fags” in the aftermath, and that was hurtful, but maybe that was more so because Chuckie had already been trying to deny such a part of him for so long.

His heart skipped a beat, hand reaching to rub at the back of his hair, because he should really sincerely get on with his life and stop being so afraid. If crabby strangers were going to sling insults like that at him under their breath, then he wanted it to be because he wasn’t afraid to openly be himself, not because he allowed his best friend to come to his pathetic rescue. He pursed his lips and pulled in a heavy breath.

“I have to tell you something.”

He stopped. They both did, because they’d said the words at the exact same time, and now they were staring at each other with surprise. Chuckie was the first to blink himself out of it, of course, only too eager to put things off as long as there were excuses.

“Oh. Y-You go first.”

“Okay,” Tommy said, dropping his gaze to his lap. His shoulders rose with a large inhale. “I think I’m … No, I know I’m …” He scoffed at himself under his breath and scratched at the back of his own head. It was truly fascinating. Tommy never acted like this, and it made Chuckie blush for him. He cursed under his breath and sighed, slumping his shoulders as he lifted his chin. “I’m bi.”

“What?”

“I’m bi,” he repeated, turning his blue gaze back to Chuckie, who was already wide-eyed, because that was the very last thing he’d expected to come out of Tommy’s mouth.

“You’re … bi? Like bisexual, bi?”

Tommy nodded, his expression straight as cardboard.

“How- I mean, sorry. When did you figure this out?”

He shrugged and looked away again. “Probably not until sometime last year — officially anyway. It was really confusing. It’s _still_ really confusing. I mean, I like girls. I’ve always liked girls, and I’ve had tons of crushes on a lot of girls. _That_ girl is really hot,” he said nodding his head in the pretty girl’s direction, though he didn’t lift his eyes to her this time. “But … I also think that way about guys too, sometimes. Sometimes not as much, but also sometimes a lot more. I don’t really understand it, and I’ve been trying to figure it out for a long time. I thought that maybe I was just a straight guy with a weird curiosity, but then …”

He tapered off and didn’t continue, and Chuckie wasn’t exactly sure how to prompt him to go on. He was really rather desperate to know what the “but then” was, but also, he was just as much struggling to absorb the very first thing Tommy had said. Bisexual? Tommy Pickles was bisexual? Tommy Pickles _wasn’t_ straight? And Chuckie Finster didn’t _know_ this?

“Why … Why didn’t you ever say anything about it?” _Oof. What a hypocrite_.

Tommy shrugged again. “Because I didn’t get it,” he said, coughing up a mirthless chuckle. “I mean like …” He raked his hand through his hair and, no joke, his cheeks _actually_ started turning pink. “Christ, I thought I had a crush on both Phil _and_ Lil at one point. Literally at the same time, it was a nightmare.”

Chuckie blinked, as though he’d just gotten socked in the face with a burst of air. “ _What?_ ”

“It’s weird. I get it.” He nodded with exaggeration and waved a hand. “I know, okay? I think I was just trying to figure myself out and I was analyzing them really closely, looking for the differences. They were just the easiest people to do a side-by-side comparison of. If I had a crush on Lil, but didn’t have a crush on Phil, then I was probably fine. If I had a crush on Phil, but didn’t have a crush on Lil, then I was probably gay. If I liked them both, then something weird was going on, and I really couldn’t figure it out, cuz that’s exactly what happened.”

Chuckie was finding it very hard to compute all of this. “Oh.”

Tommy rubbed at the back of his neck. “Sorry I got distracted by that girl earlier,” he mumbled.

“It’s okay. I mean … Why are you apologizing?”

All he did was shake his head and stay quiet, eyes stuck to the ground. Chuckie tried to think of something to say to comfort him, because it was beyond obvious Tommy was really uncomfortable right now, and probably feeling very embarrassed, because he had not only just admitted to having an equally compelling attraction to guys, but also to having had maybe-more-than-friends feelings for two of their closest mutual friends, and shit … It was probably Chuckie’s turn.

“Oh man,” he groaned quietly to himself. Then, for whatever reason, he found himself laughing, and the look Tommy gave him was incredibly appropriate. “Ugh, Tommy.” He threw his face into his hands with a moan.

“What?”

“I’m gay,” he said, hiding his voice behind his hands.

There was only the briefest moment of hesitation, but also it was the tensest. “Chuckie …”

“I’m serious,” he said, accepting defeat and meeting Tommy’s gaze again. “I’m not attracted to girls _at all_.”

Tommy furrowed his eyebrows as though something wasn’t computing for him either and Chuckie immediately started back-tracking.

“Oh god, that’s even worse,” he moaned.

“No,” Tommy said quickly, waving his hands as he vigorously shook his head. “No, no it’s not. Sorry, I shouldn’t have … I just … I know.”

“What?”

“I know. Er well, okay, maybe I just never really put any words to it, but I never thought you were attracted to girls. You never seemed interested. I never attributed it to you being gay in my head, but I couldn’t imagine you being with a girl. I just … I just realized that. Ugh, I’m sorry. I should have put that together sooner.”

He also dropped his face into his hands. And they both just sat there for a moment, trying to process it, while Chuckie stared over the fingers cupped around his nose.

“You could tell?”

Tommy brushed his hair back as he lifted his head. He shrugged one shoulder. “Yeah. I mean, I should hope I always knew you well enough to pick that up. I just wish I had … We could have … I could have told you about me sooner.”

“ _I_ should have picked something up from you too,” Chuckie exclaimed, suddenly feeling as though he’d swallowed a twenty-pound rock. “I thought you were the straightest person ever like this whole time. I mean god, what kind of friend does that make me?”

Tommy chuckled, almost for real this time and his hand came to rest on Chuckie’s knee. Chuckie pressed his palms tighter against his mouth. “Chuckie, there’s no way I ever would have expected you to catch onto that. I’ve been confused about it myself for years. _I_ thought I was straight.”

“But you’re not?”

Tommy shook his head. “Just a little bit curved, I guess.”

Chuckie burst out a snicker behind his hands, and they both laughed. It was nice. It was _freeing_ , just like Kimi said, to have something like that out in the open. If nothing else, Tommy had no problem with him being gay. There were more issues to that matter, but that one thing already made it so much easier to breathe, and laughing went out of its own way to actually make it feel good.

“Also, I’m in love with you.”

Chuckie popped up off the car like he’d just been electrocuted in the butt. He swiveled around, facing Tommy still with his hands cupped around his nose and mouth, glasses leaning just a little off kilter. His eyes were already stinging with tears, and there was just no hope left for the blush all over his body. He shook his head vigorously.

“Tommy, stop,” he moaned.

Tommy just stared back at him almost blankly, as though this was normal, as though he didn’t understand why Chuckie was reacting like this to him so casually tossing out the same confession that Chuckie had never wanted to admit to for years.

“What?” he said. Honestly, like this wasn’t that big of a deal — though his eyes were going wide now as he watched the tears spill over from Chuckie’s eyes.

“Please,” he whimpered, breath incredibly uneven, and all of it was muffled by his palms. He shook his head. “Don’t mess with me like that.”

Tommy’s eyebrows pulled together now with concern and he stood as well, coming way too close for Chuckie to handle. “I’m not messing with you, Chuck. I’m serious. Why are you crying?”

He shrank back, but he couldn’t get very far, because Tommy now had one hand on his arm and the other was wiping the tears from the corners of his eyes. All Chuckie could do for the longest time was stare unblinkingly at those familiar blue eyes, searching them for any sign that that was a lie, or this was a trick, or that it was in any way not real. He couldn’t find it.

“I’m in love with you too,” he whispered.

Tommy’s lips curled up into a smile. He chuckled again. “I know. I just realized that too.”

“Oh my god …”

He didn’t know what it was, but a rush of _something_ surged forward in Chuckie’s veins and he whipped a slap at Tommy’s shoulder that was somehow full of grief, relief, fury, and joy all at the same time. Tommy flinched, but he also laughed, and then slid his arms around Chuckie’s waist and pulled him into a hug.

Chuckie finally crumbled and let the sinews of his muscles uncoil. He leaned into the body holding him and dropped his head down onto his best friend’s shoulder, holding him back with his arms circled around his neck.

“Oh god, we’re so stupid,” he whispered.

“Completely.”

“I can’t believe you would just blurt something out like that.”

“You can’t?”

“… Okay, no I take that back. I totally can, but Jesus give me a warning or something next time. I’ve only been wanting to tell you the same thing for ages.”

“How long?”

Chuckie sagged with a whine, and then probably relished the hand running up his back a little too much. “Since like seventh grade.”

Tommy groaned. “Chuckie …”

“I’m a coward, okay?” Chuckie exclaimed into Tommy’s shoulder. He ought to cut it off now. He already knew all of the shoulda, woulda, coulda’s. Having his best friend reiterate to him how dumb he was for holding onto a crush for that long was not something he needed. “I’m not like you, Tommy. I don’t have a single courageous bone in my body. I should have said something to you before. I know. But I didn’t … I couldn’t.”

The huff of an exhale that left Tommy’s lungs brushed over the back of Chuckie’s neck and he shivered, but remained hidden in the other boy’s shoulder. “Chuckie …” Tommy’s voice was soft, saying his name, and it gave him more chills, because that kind of tenderness was also something about Tommy that he would never get used to.

He seemed to struggle, to continue on with whatever it was he wanted to say, and Chuckie thought it best just to wait. He really needed his skin to cool down anyway.

“I’ve always thought you were much more courageous than me,” Tommy said quietly.

Chuckie pressed his forehead hard against Tommy’s shoulder and tried not to laugh so sarcastically. “Oh god …”

“I’m serious.” Tommy pulled back and forced their gazes to meet. He always seemed so much taller, when he looked at Chuckie like that. “Sure,” he shrugged, “I’m not afraid to leap headlong into things most of the time, and I’ll be the first one to do it, but that doesn’t automatically make me courageous. You’ve always been the one who had to overcome something in order to keep moving forward, and I’ve never seen you fail at it once. Courage isn’t just doing it. It’s knowing you’re afraid, but doing it anyway. I’ve always admired you for that. Do you know how cool that is?”

Well … no. But, it was certainly a confidence booster, if he’d ever heard one. Otherwise, he didn’t know what it was that compelled him to suddenly surge forth and so foolishly catch Tommy by surprise with a sudden kiss.

Courage? Maybe. If Tommy’s definition of courage was accurate, then most definitely, because kissing his best friend was something Chuckie had been terrified of for eons, even though he thought about it almost ritualistically. Even though he loved to pretend and imagine and dream about it almost every day, and now suddenly there he was, actually doing it, and it didn’t make him any less red in the face. And when he quickly backed off, Tommy blinked at him with surprise and an impressive amount of pink in his own cheeks.

Of course, Chuckie just wanted to hide, but Tommy was already stretching out another smile and touching Chuckie’s face as he perked up on his toes and drew closer again.

“Very cool,” he murmured.

And then they were kissing a second time, but this one lasted much longer, and Chuckie was okay with that. Tommy seemed to be very okay with that too.


End file.
